Yesterday, I was in love with you
when we shared that warehouse
full of torn couches and brown carpet
but we had a great fridge
to hold all our pizza boxes and tequila

Yesterday I loved you,
all whispers in quiet beds, but loud stumbles
so they'd know we were awake
when we brushed our teeth
together at the bathroom sink

Yesterday, it left too soon,
heads on stomachs, and plastic margarita glasses
cheers to those days, to the graduates,
to the beauty of the days
we knew would never last

I loved you, yesterday
when we lived among bricks,
we lived among pink scars
and emotional quicksand and
so much love it hurt our hearts

Yesterday I was in love with you,
the girls and boys of that house
so long to them, now the women and men,
And today I thought of you.

to trade in for some decadence with you,
i used to save up all my good deeds
we drank cold cappuccinos
before falling to our knees
today, i tried to think of something to hold
while i smoked a clove against some bricks
couldn't think of anything much i had left
just sticky coffee and the cheap tricks
today i long to be a troubadour
and sing all your troubled songs
on street corners in nevada
but i end up choking, dragged along
i was always playing hide and seek
so afraid of where i'd find you
i would have searched forever
i was so afraid of where i found you
but i loved you then and i miss you now
i imagine you cold, by your grave
i hope you're growing daffodils,
the girl we could not save

we wanted a lovefest
but when we were packing
all your stuff up again in yellow-handled
black trash bags and
pale brown boxes with crossed out
magic markers we decided that
looking away is so much safer

so we were safe at the time and
there were loose hugs
and to substitute tight braids
and henna tattoos
and colder frappuccinos
we drank the hot cups of black coffee
and discussed some stupid philosophy
and needled ourselves up
until there were no more scars to cover

and the phone call came on the bad day
a saturday of ice
no one offered more than cliches after midnight
and i cried into carpeting for four straight days

i braided my hair today and
saw the picture of you, beautiful and wispy
and cold and dark
and caffeinated
and full of neon hope and thin arms

and i point and say, that's janie
and she could dance beautifully and
multitask with a cigarette and a phone and a song
and a glass of warm wine
she could do eyeshadow and lipstick
and she had great shoes
and she threw up everything she ate
she was perfection
and she always learned the hard way
she played the good music and
wrote the good songs

and years ago she disappeared.

my laugh is quieter now
with aggressive people at every corner
selling passive toys and cards
and boys outside, and boys at bars
when just yesterday we flipped a cup
and laughed it up
as i stacked my stones and you
bumped into them tens of times.

after calling it love for so many years
under stars and in dirty trucks
a young child who cannot know its cost
and a stupid little girl still feeling lost
have i let go, or have you?
are you the one feeling this too?
sit in the red and go for a ride
only when it's rainy wet.

i held this in my palm that year
only too afraid to touch
curled up to it, how silly of me
under blankets, how naive of me
etched into it - strength for real but
you're the one who's making me feel
and i laid there, cold, naked, scared
by a fireplace you would not light.

leave it alone. it's dead
they said.
and you can say it sweetly.

i am NOT grieving for him
as HE can slip to barbados
whenever he really wants to.
when he feels that sting
in the side of his palm.
or a pain in his belly
a scream from his belly.
a scream from somewhere else.

she SAYS to let her GO again.

because you can play with needles, see.
and you can uncap twenty-four beers
in twenty-four hours.
and you can tap your thick thick skull
with yellow fingertips and
nails that need a little trim.
doesn't mean you're thinking.
because i can hear something
and i can feel something
other than the little white card
you slip into my palm when you
think no one's looking.

you poured your damage onto me
and you thought no one was looking.

I was looking.
i SAID to let me GO again.

i apologize
for what it was that scared you.
maybe daddy's belt or
a bad experience on your
disney world adventure.
or that little kid that took
all the money in your wallet.

i apologize
for your lack of knowledge
that FEAR is no excuse.
neither is the fact
that knives are pretty
or that little girls
are small and scared...
like little chirping love birds
that quickly fall for you.

i said to let me go again.
please say the same to me.
to unhurt me
to unblame me
to unfrighten me
to unfault me
to allow me
to love me
to allow me
to let you go again.

- June 2007

i threw away the silver beads
you needled so carefully onto thread
because i closed my eyes while you confessed
and never figured out where to head
the conditions i never met
red hair i wished i'd never braided
and nail polished fingers i never
even wanted to hold
well, i threw those away, with your
stupid beads
in a blue trashcan of crimson towels
like a 14-lined sonnet, i responded so carefully
on a crimson couch to your request
you scared me.
you SCARED me.
don't lean so forward i think i
let you in too much.
i think i am beyond this
when there's nothing left to touch on
and i don't know where i want to go
i just know you're leaving.

- May 2007

the bricks on the patio
redder than my skin
your hand in mine
warmer than i could even recall
where was this place
next to the train tracks
and the rest of the city
which never seemed to sleep
and concrete stairs
leading down to nowhere
the underground world, dark with stars
of glow sticks and glittered hair
and girls kissing men
and girls kissing women
pale blue and clear and teal stones
grace the bottom of their red heels
watching them dance for too long
makes us dizzy
so we pretend
and we pretend
while you hold my hand that we'll never be anything
or we'll never need anything
besides ourselves, besides our drugs
our wild companions
our hairspray and Beatles posters.

when did i let go?
i know it isn't time -
you climb on stage and stare at me
teal, focused eyes -
and i fold.

- february 2007

a sense of loss, a holiday
in a crowd of angry smoke
outside freezing in a winter fleece
full of things i cannot say
i tried my hardest,
and you went away
and now i've nowhere to go

how did we get to this silent place?
flicking cigarettes and angry faces
instead of car drives and laughter
and feeling whole with diet cokes
and smiles with dimples
and complete sincerity in parking lots
now turning to others instead of each other
how did we get to this silent place?

- october 2006

after every glance - it's over
where did you expect me to turn?
green movie preview screens
in a haze of yellow outdoor light
where did you expect me to turn?
it's been one more day
of me just saying i'm through
and one more cold night
coming back to you
at the end of the day - it's all it is
at the end of the day, one more cigarette
another five minutes of silence
that i worship
where did you expect me to turn?
scribbled notes and heads turned
and cold benches with no words -
last year left,
in a blur of car rides
and smoke and night air and music
and late talks and parking lots
last year left
ended with a door slam
a wave goodnight
ended without reciprocation
ended -
crying on a bathroom floor
reaching far
grasping air
gasping
anything - too far away
tempted to dismiss you
just to let it go

- september 2006

next time around maybe i'll say no
until then you're just a child
in a small red and black striped shirt
and an ice blue baseball cap
riding on a cold leathered train's backseat
never knowing where you're going
heart stamps on the back of your hand
maybe telling of
where you've been and who've you seen
and maybe every boy you've loved
or the number of secrets you kept from me
the days you have left
once they're finally numbered
death is a game and life is a fight
but keep your eyes on me
i stood my ground and you took your flight
and now i'll never know

i do it because of you
i do it because of you

because i know i can't
have your eyes or ignore your arrogance
there's no one left to hold my hair
when there's no one left to hold your hand
after a caffeine headache and too much aspirin
and too many tears to hold in
and i'll say i'll never be there
after the hundredth lie
and the hundredth manipulation

but babe, i'm right around the corner
when you need me

next time around maybe i'll say no
but i'm lacking
the ability to spin around
and walk away

i am stuck in a sea and i'm wandering
and you're so far away right now when
you always said you'd never leave, well
i did it all for you, you said
and i held onto everything
maybe someday
maybe someday
i don't know why you mean that much and
i don't know why i'm struggling
but i've fallen somehow in this mud
and my boots can't let up
and i'm missing you to death
and i'm too close to dialing
a seven-digit number well
keep saying it's just a phase
you're just like any other boy
wandering and stupid and lost
and i'm just like any other girl
complicated and no consideration of cost
listening to pink floyd and thinking
i'm a teen for nothing
wondering about comfortably numb
when i've fallen and i'm still mumbling
you could be the one, i think
to listen when i talk
to hold my hand and hold my hair
a friendly kiss goodnight
if i'm ever able to get there.

i withheld everything
you'd be too hurt to hear
too angry
too hateful
too dark on this cold front porch
a swing and a pillow
and seven hours
a hundred cigarettes or more
and a desire for coffee
at six on a sunday morning
in awe
in shock
that the girl yelling at this dog
would never understand
and i love you,
but i love him
that walking disaster time bomb
that i can't help but care for
fifteen more dollar bills
for four more packs of cigarettes
just to watch the smoke
waiting for the fireworks
we know we'll never see

- june 2006

new york is just
a little too much like anywhere tonight
in march
in fog
in weariness
and i'm so damn tired
of every flashing light
every honk
every insult
everything i wished to be
and every night i've been crying
in this strange town
in the bottom of a porcelain shower
'cause i'm still thinking of you
this far away
in this strange city
'cause it's still march
in this strange city
and i can't help but hate you
and i can't help but miss him
i want a cigarette
and i want life and light
and i want relief
instead of these stupid glass elevators
gracing every hall
instead of company i detest
and cold water on my shoulders
hoping for april to come early this year
instead of broadway shows
and prada bags
and cheesecake and blisters
burnt hot dog spring air and
carousel rides
mud and sore throats
and missing you to death.

- march 2006

so it starts with confusion
and the day it got complicated
like what am i to do
with a twisted ankle and
a heart that never broke
mesh scarves and dark pink lipstick
"only experimentation"
asking me to recall - is so simple
[though i'd never do the same to you]
asking me to remember every thought
memories we tried so hard to repress
but failure gets me nowhere
when your eyes agree with
everything you say
"start writing it down -
you used it then,
you'll use it now" no -
i only used it when it was simple
poetry about clouds - and where
my imagination lives
and it's so hard to say
what morphed me
but i keep my eyes forever closed
so it's just the humming sound
of every boy who ever hurt you
and every girl who feels
the jealousy and breaks
the sisterhood -
a bond we never tried to make
but it almost worked -
a night of real butter on the popcorn
and a private show that
was only creepy in a fun way
and a hopeful sleepover
a feeling of belonging
even though my name never
started with a C
"i'm ready", we said,
but three years later, we
still wouldn't be. with
my coffee and nintendo -
wondering what age i should pretend to be
'i'm fourteen' he said
and immediately i knew -
that i loved him - before the hatred
of chocolate eyes -
dance with me ...
such a cool night - such a cool kiss
and a silent understanding
yet a silent confusion on where we stood
for three weeks
Tried It -
Stop.
dirt and grass and logs
of wood that should have molded
silly thoughts
blaming inanimate objects
for the betrayal of a constant being
but it couldn't have been him.
an invisible bowl of caviar
an endless amount of trees
[but never Elver]
for our long walks need to be repressed
our empty swingsets must be ignored
and my vulnerability - my
weakness - and my
fucking lack of ability -
listening in all the courses
must be forgotten
empty fireplace and a sharp
[just heavy] pain
emotional only - hearing the cries
and not ever knowing where they grow up
or how they are released
but knowing a fear of death so abruptly
the fear of intrusion
the feel of a broken lip
and bruised necks and bloody shoulders
and the constant ticking
of stupid John Doe's watch and
kicked out of the car
left on the wet dew grass
and the lying - the feeling
why did it stop?
why - it should have killed me
overloading thoughts and thinking
the immediate knowledge -
"i'll never want to live again"
grass stains - so easily removed
but instead stripped in miniscule pieces
the immediate knowledge -
"i'll never be able to look
at him again"
so utterly breathless
such utter denial
"i'll never say a word"
and i never even had to.
the mirrors fogged up and a
dreary camoflauge spider
climbed up the shower wall
and my skin burned as long
as i could stand it
hoping to melt or
dissolve like salt
a door opened
my mouth opened [and froze]
and no one said a word
until i walked out
more confused than ever
digging furiously for pills
when my nails failed
receiving only a tranquilizer
and a hug - my own humanized
straight-jacket - out of control
and his shirt covered me so well
and his comments made me laugh
as i sobbed endlessly into a jeaned lap
not assigning any word to it
[exception: betrayal]
and a laundry list that developed
in three years -
popcorn, bathroom stalls, movies
elver and woods, ankles
shoulders and scratches
oranges and dancing
brown eyes, dummies, friday nights
and endless caviar - potato chips
wooden cabins and dark fireplaces - early
morning dew and locked doors
fubu t-shirts, super nintendo
anything i felt he took from me
endless sleeplessness but so
full of dreams - panic
"you know you'd cry because it would
be too beautiful"
no - i would cry because i'm
scared. fear of sleep - two solid years
aided only by illegal slips of
pills -
"do you know what this is
doing to me - here in my head?" 1
a discovery - not an immediate discovery -
a gradual recovery which will never
end until I'm scattered somewhere
among hundreds of sacred souls
in a theme park where
hundreds of them opened thier eyes
among seagulls and gino's sandwiches
greasy potato chips and a ball
of yellow sun - which turned
so red onour skin
thanking you is forever impossible
"it was beautiful", we said
but they didn't know the half of it.
the release never fully released him - but the acceptance
the lack of every rejection
made me glow.
"and i've met someone else" i said
and never looked him in the eye
a hug stirred the water
but my heart sank through it
eyes - yours stared at me
and you were proud -
always proud
"thank you" youmouthd - but i
never once freed you
and you saved me
"stop right there -
you saved yourself." 2
words i will disbelieve
forever - or at least until i
learn how to fit in my shoes -
you wanted me to stay you rejected him and even
her harsh glare - perhaps only a
reflection off her eye -
perhaps she really meant it.
but my sigh of relief
convinced every being while
the sand covered our feet
and our mistakes
and it was all because of you.
two years of anniversary reminders
but never with a frozen cake or
a plastic-sealed white gown
could it make me hypocritical?
he never came back
he wouldn't remember
the longest walk - picking burrs
off our sweaters, so close to a kiss
but it was just an idea
only an idea - throwing rocks
at turtles and empty clam shells
was he always this clever?
and as for my new best friend -
how long did i reject him?
a house with nothing but bottles
and bags of trash taht should've
been recycled -
putting up with more than i'll
ever encounter
i never even reached for his cold hands
on a dull plaid comfy couch
such a beautiful boy but
the endless reminders and
evil similarities
"please grow your hair longer"
and god, his hands...
have to stop dancing - we've
gotta stop dancing
the embarrassment upon his cheeks -
i'll never be able to say
how truly sorry i am
but i lost you long before
i laid in your lap
and smelled your t-shirt around
my shoulders
long before you constrained me
from any harm i could cause
or one could cause for me.
"It's all in your head, she said,
the darkness and the light." 3
but everyone owns the exact same purse
in the real world
and in our world
it's nothing
except eyeliner and peach cream
to cover up endless hangovers,
cuts and bruises...
burns?
oh, and the whole other world is
never beautiful
who needs the real world? a hundred minds say "we do"
and a hundredmouths
scream "the real world's a joke"
but where are we?
"we need to feel loved... we must
love each other, or die" 4
and where do they learn
when they've been hurt?
i watch you suffer
and although i never laughed
you needed me to cry for you
"call me... I'll feel for you" 5
and call me, he did
and i yawned and
stared at an empty ankle
wishing to make it hurt in a flood
and blocking out his voice -
searching, crying
"never mind, it's okay now"
and it's not. it never was.
but i pushed the blue button
disconnecting us for eternity
or so it felt - and nothing even changed
you never knew the best of me
[as it was far too late to show it]
other than an occasional emerald glance
in my direction
and a brown-eyed boy who
never let go of my hand -
thirteen.
i never clung to metal on a bed
like shannon
i held on to nothing
there - so easily placed
for mischeivous taking - a wide open door
and naiveté seeping through
what did he see?
what did I mean?
he can't know how it felt
how it feels
every second of every minute of every hour
of every bloody day
increased too often in the presence
of popcorn and silly little things
which receive too many eye-rolls
for me to forgive myself
and the burning desire
to scream it to the world
constrained by only the burning fear
of his return - and my life -
and my shame...
one moment they care
the next - "i've lost interest"
when it was never about interest
but you can't except an everlasting
trail of care -
except from you.
they never could understand
and they can complain -
"you love them more than us"
you don't know the half of it -
we love love
and you - those who refuse to give up
on my ridiculous stammering
and my senseless red tears
it is so much of what i can't deserve
and no one realizes what incredible crime
i've committed -
"how am i different?"
you are - you're beautiful and it's
never been your fault.
how am i different?
i am...
i will never have the words
to explain why -
it is a deep knowledge
as i know myself.
i know.
and maybe it isn't love
or what you feel for the strings
you're plucking - your dreams you know
can never once come true
it never crossed my mind
because he is always first in my thoughts -
every morning my eyes open
and i smell the grass in my hair
feel the cuts on my shoulders and
his weight upon me -
my pillow is damp and myeyes are blood-red
from wishing too hard
no - never again
but he's exactly likeyou
minus green eyes
minus sensitivity
minus ten o'clock -
a time i'l never sleep - a time when a
shrill alarm clock sounds - "shit" -
a time too intense to ever block out
do you forgive me?
the control - we lie more to ourselves
than we ever did to each other
and i've got a stain on my shirt
and some tangles in my hair
and you still love me
"underneath your skin - call me evil call me
tide is on your side anything that you want" 6
my hunger is insane but i can't
ever let anything consume me again
he asks what my goals are -
where do i want to be
at twenty-five?
alive -
only breathing.
should i have more?
so many footsteps - and none small enough
for my broken feet to fit inside
were we strange or am i just used to
fifties sitcoms and straight-edged people
"we're just letting go"
but of what? certainly not each other -
we've never known what's going on
"yes, but what do you feel" -
answering is impossible or
highly improbable
rejected more times than you can count
in one single day
i want you more than i have ever
admitted to anyone
even myself.
"yeah, i wanna marry rex"
like leemore and liev
who knows what she feels
or how much she desires
his movie-star body, his rock-star voice
and i feel the same -
we know we should glimmer
with happiness - but in the midst
of heaven, it's always fake.
your smile? - don't even kid yourself.
a mockery -
"you have the least problems of anyone else"
no, she doesn't
i was the only one
finding her crying on a lonely sidewalk curb
looking homeless with a bag of vodka
and a too-big sweater to disguise fat
which is only existent within her parents' minds
a hug - tears like we'd never see
each other again - it's okay, baby
'cause we're not all beautiful
but you are.
i wish you love but
i wish you mine
and your porcelain face - i miss you
but you ... still want me?
you said if we were lonely
maybe we could say hello
but you caught me off-guard
and i caught you
at such an inconvenient time
a time you weren't happy
and too fed-up with what we fed you
but... "all i really want is you"7
everything else - so mediocre
and maybe i want you -
who said we were alone?
i supose you did - one time
among many
"it hurts me too" but - interdependence?
you can work harder -
try as hard as the sun does
your failure is neglible
in my eyes and maybe hers
maybe we can have lunch sometime
and maybei can apologize
if you'll let me
without a hug
without reassurance - simple words
"you never did anything wrong"
colored pens making beautiful cards for me
and so many others
with stitched mouths receive nothing
to help compensate, for nothing
can compensate for the force
they bring upon themselves
and you're dead - and i miss you -
and that is everything.
once, i had an idea
maybe crazy but just perhaps
it could work out -
we could work it out somehow
and now i fathom blankness
and an eternal desire
not to leave you behind - just leave you
for anything you want
might as well - i'm always out
and you're always beautiful
but i know nothing.
sweat dripped on a warm stage once
and i watched you - concentrating
"i did it for you"
the one thing made for you -
you wasted completely
on a person who could never comprehend
what you're trying to say to me
i believe your effort - three and a half
years of persistence
something i should appreciate
anything i should appreciate
but sharing it is hard - even with you.
i woke up too early and
never got to watch you sleeping -
you stared so directly
and i didn't know what to do
to wake you up -
you refused to even mumble
a slight "i'm okay" - or maybe
you couldn't. maybe something happened
something other than abusive parents
or bottles of skyy lining the fridge
and wooden cabinets
maybe something happened -
or maybe something happened
between us.
you are my best friend -
but not my first anything
and it hurts to lie to such a
hopeful face
"no ... sean did that"
and a crumble - a sigh
i never thought i'd actually
crush you - but you took my shoes
and they never fit you.
they don't even fit me
and they never did.
i was not meant to play the drunk girl
the poor little drunk girl - how dare she
and true - you are a crutch
but only one - when everything is broken
ten more minutes of sitting
in a lonely dark room
even when the window's fixed
your eyes examine me and i
refuse to speak
like a little child -
the rebellious adapted child ego state
you're always going on about
and maybe it's real
maybe i'll never know -
maybe you'll never tell me
and i know you made me glow
with nothing but your own light
and i gave you nothing
but a bandage for your paper cut
and you
wrapped everything up for me
in a package - too easy to unravel unless
your confusion is as immense as
mine seems to be in my head -
i refuse to focus on anything
except what's directly in front of what i know
"only who becomes invisible to whom" 8
how much importance - "we're
all worth something" but...
you don't know me too well.
how far behind did he leave me?
my idea - only an idea
only something i couldn't fathom
only a hunger left
nothing of importance - a tremble at the word
"i'm doing all right" - but are you
never good?
all i am able to see -
is perfection in your face
you painted a canvas so blood-red
splotches of orange and a
perfect society of banana-yellow blood
such an alien you are - maybe
your blindness - maybe
that's all it is -
maybe it's your hunger - and it never was mine
'cause you said there was a way
to cleanse something wholesome
and make my life so beautiful -
but it always has been.
and the blame is such an issue
and you ask me what i feel?
i feel...
like i can't catch up
and when i catch up - i'm two years behind
always two years that i
so nonchalantly wasted
trying to repress it - by doing
it again? a year in denial -
a year on street corners -
proving to no one that my brain
was strong enough
that my heart was cool enough
to continue with the precise
thing i hated - the precise...
but how do i blame him?
my eyes fell on one -
nameless but thirty-six - unashamed
to do anything with a fourteen
year old girl - a life nothing
could replace - not a
neon green alarm clock
a reminder of him - an idea
only a reminder to wake up
and go through a day with
unknowing people - a joke,
a virtually harmless object
that made me cry for hours
so often wondering if what she felt
was natural
should we all want to live?
it doesn't take too much
not at 70 miles per hour
not as ultimately crushed
as i divulged everything she
shouldn't have ever trusted me with
how often she didn't.
how much we weren't alike
even if we felt the same
ache upon waking up every
dreaded morning
even if we felt the same constant
itch on the inside of our veins
even if we both couldn't breathe
on a kitchen floor without skyy
even if...
we were never the same
as she was always stronger -
now thereis nothing left
but folded kaleidoscope paper towels
and a watercolor
"it's hard to say if they're happy"9
Zaida. "complicated name
for a complicated girl"
my eyes can't do anything
but burn.
love dies -
an eye cries -
and nothing else can shake anymore
hugs and kisses are nothing
when they aren't from him.
such a long time ago
we made such simple vows
and he broke them all within ten seconds
my hatred i claimed for him
was nothing but self-assurance
and instead of talking
about why we weren't talking
i huddled in
numerous corners and hid in bathrooms
waiting for my heart to start beating
again
wondering when to say anything
wondering if i should tell them
wondering how many people
could believe me this way
reactions - oh, possible reactions
hurt my brain too much
to even think of the words - how -
how they came out in the end
how it didn't even hurt
all that much and
the questions just killed
every doubt i had.
you said it was all right
for us to still be friends
after everybody left -
but a kitchen floor with him
maybe could change my mind
maybe he needs forgiveness
"maybe he needs nothing at all"
she said with a soft glance
a soft glance - or maybe a glare
at my own stupidity
how naive can i be?
i would've wished for less
but you - or maybe me -
maybe we both needed something
we wished for innocence
as we were innocent
and never thought about it again
afterwards.
but how can i change?
and how can you live? -
feeling so torn
"you can't go" and
"maybe it was a mistake" - of course
it wans't a mistake "he premeditated it... it's
sick"
mumbles of "he can't ever change"
eyes too loose in their heads
they can't understand
how could i ask them to understand?
"how can't you trust us enough to say something?" and
"how do you know we can't understand?"
something as instinctual
as eating and brief knowledge -
i know.
ten more minutes til i'm out of here
why is it supposed to feel this way?
you'll joke and i'll stare
just don't expect a laugh - a little
i'm too tired
to feel him tonight
but i guess it's easy to forget me
i guess it's easy to replace me
or so she's done
she'll never know how much she's done
without ever doing anything -
how she ignores every tear and
flicks of the head
to stare at the one who so quickly
replaced me
without a question
without consideration
"i can tell after the short
time we've met"
what confusion you feel -
how much is there? "He flips
so fast between the
red-haired girls"
how much you sting
every time you smile -
because it's too true
to understand.
does he know -
what does he know?
does he feel so little
or not at all
a one night
too wonderfully rare
"no feeling from that"
or so we said
ideally, what a beautiful situation
but we have never been
ideal, beautiful people
such a sad thought -
slicing open
feeling the tear - how far
away could her pain be?
"she's dead... relax"
wishing to fall; faint
hit my head so hard
that not even you could feel it
not even you could save me
the one who matters
wouldn't ever blink an eye
a single brown eye - how
similar we all are
never understanding how i could affect him
if at all
"she kissed me...
barely, if at all" 10
"why do you draw them?"
organization
organized geometry
how can you call it art?
how scared you must be -
who said you could call it art?
everyone once said to me
smeared together so well
so well inside my head
like the deepest black ink
had it been written - how
much i never knew i could miss him
how much i probably shouldn't have
how scared are you?
and how scarred are you, really?
how much could you mean?
"cutting my hands up
every time i touch you" 11
every time you flinch
from such an innocent touch
pleasing you has never been so difficult
or as difficult as i feel right now
every head of brown hair
makes my head turn
every nasty joke and every
word of kindness -
could've been so much easier
would've been so much easier if
he'd only been one person
one face
could've been so much easier
if he were always cruel
two people so endlessly different
not even a mistake
not caught up in the moment
not confusion or forgetting
common decency -
an idea, such a cruel idea
a flawless plan -
his comfort in that i'd never speak
if he knew what he wanted - so
yeah, it's all about rage
and he's so far gone
took me so far with him
and so far away from me
every sunny day brings me a little closer
every word he says -
it digs a little deeper
everyone's too far away here
when you're not around
not even my angels fly anymore
and your hair can't relax me
but i can't think of what
it will be next time
what i will need next time
or what you really think of me.